Just because it's right, doesn't mean it will be easy.

When Alma and I were first married, we thought we had our lives all planned out. We knew when we would graduate, when we would have kids, and where we would live after we graduated from school.

Then life happened.

Alma got a full time job working for the university as a web developer, so his graduation was postponed for a full year, and now that we are just about done with school, we actually have no intention of leaving where we are for at least another couple of years. We have a nice home with room to grow, we love the people we go to church with, and Alma's job is wonderful and offering a raise when he graduates.

But this post is about kids.

Originally, we were planning on getting pregnant so that we would have our first baby a few months after I graduated (which would mean I would be about six months along right now). But for some reason, I really felt like we needed to start trying earlier than we were initially planning on. [A lot of people scoff at the LDS culture—big families started at a young age—but having a family is very important to us. If you're interested in why Mormons place so much importance on family, click here.] So, after a lot of discussion and prayerful consideration, we decided to start trying to get pregnant. This was in April of 2009. I can vividly remember a conversation I had with Alma a few weeks before we made our final decision in which he said, "You know as soon as we start trying, we are going to get pregnant." And I think this is the mentality that we both went into trying with. I mean, we owned our home, could afford a child, and would love a child so much, why wouldn't the Lord immediately bless us with one? Right?

Wrong.

In the beginning, we really only decided not to prevent pregnancy any more. But after a few months of that, I started getting concerned and so we started actively trying, with no success. Anyone who has ever had to really try to have kids can tell you that it's an emotional roller coaster. Every month my hopes were up, and every month I ended up in tears. I couldn't understand what was wrong with us. Then, finally, in September of 2009, we found out I was pregnant. I was thrilled. We tried to keep it a secret, but it slipped to quite a few people before I had gone in for my first doctor's appointment. When I was 8 weeks along I went to the doctor for the first time. I told Alma that it was fine if he couldn't come, he had work and I would be fine by myself. So I went alone. I sat in the waiting room for a few minutes before the nurse called me back. They did all the normal checks—weight, blood pressure, etc.—and then the doctor came in. He examined me and then took me back to the ultrasound room so that we could verify how far along I was. I remember lying on the table excitedly, I was so ready to see our little tiny baby. The ultrasound tech started the ultrasound and the first thing she said was, "looks like baby is over here," as she pointed to a place on the screen. But then, she got quiet as she searched the area where it "looked like baby was." Everything looked right, except for the fact that there was no baby. She snapped a couple of pictures and then left to get the doctor. He came in and explained what the possibilities were: I was either just not as far along as I thought, or I had a blighted ovum. But either way, I needed to come back the next week for another ultrasound. I left his office and barely made it to my car before I was sobbing. I went back the next week, and the week after that to check for a baby again. But there was nothing. I had miscarried. And I was heartbroken. I couldn't understand why this would happen. I was angry that it had happened. I blamed myself. I blamed God. I cried. A lot.

But even with all of the hurt, I wanted to try again as soon as we could. So we did. And I went through another 4 months of emotional roller coaster. I had taken so many home pregnancy tests it was absurd. I was sure every month that I was pregnant because I had some symptom—nausea or exhaustion, or whatever else.

I cried so many times and I remember telling Alma that I didn't understand why the Lord wouldn't bless us with our righteous desire. "Having kids is the right thing to do, so why are we having such a problem?"

Obviously, we eventually did get pregnant. I hardly believed my eyes when I saw the positive home pregnancy test. And it has been such a blessing to have Kara as a part of our family. But I think I needed that trial in my life. The Lord taught me that just because I'm trying to do what's right, doesn't mean life will be easy, but that He still loves me, and I can lean on him when I'm weak.

So I'm grateful for that trial.